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    Humor - continued 2nd thread

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    Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Tue May 03, 2016 11:57 am

    THE HUSBAND STORE

    A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

    You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

    On each floor the signs on the doors read:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

    Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat May 07, 2016 9:46 am

    A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin.

    She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
    "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".

    The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!

    The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

    Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing waist deep in the murky water, a shotgun in her hand.

    Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. 

    With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river.

    Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

    The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

    The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto it's back. - 
    Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration,
    she shouts out........

    " BUGGER THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!
     


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Thu May 12, 2016 7:10 pm

    at 8:59 AM, Joseph wrote:


    I had a terrible accident yesterday, but I am doing better now. I decided yesterday to go horseback riding which I haven't done in years. Well, I got on the horse and started out slow, and then we went a little faster and then we were going as fast as the horse could go. All of a sudden, I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. If it was not for the quick thinking of the man I owe my life to, I probably would not have made it ....


    Thank goodness for the store manager at Walmart who came out and unplugged the machine


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  bobhardee on Fri May 13, 2016 6:19 am

    Get well soon.
    Thoughts and prayers are going your way.
    :)
    Bob H.
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri May 20, 2016 12:05 pm

    An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.


    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.


    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.


    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..


    Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'


    Some old men can still think fast !!!.. :)


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  mudra on Fri May 20, 2016 1:20 pm



    Love Always
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri May 20, 2016 5:53 pm

    Good one mudra Thubs Up


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Tue Jun 07, 2016 10:42 pm

    A couple who work in a circus go to an adoption agency.


    Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.


    The couple produce photos of their 15m-long motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
    The social workers then are doubtful about the education the child would get.


    'We've arranged for a full time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills", they say.


    Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.


    "Our Nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet".


    The social workers are finally satisfied , asking: "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"


    "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon".


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Jun 11, 2016 11:24 am



    _________________
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    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Jun 11, 2016 11:25 am



    _________________
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    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Jun 11, 2016 11:44 am



    _________________
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sun Jun 12, 2016 11:19 am


    https://www.youtube.com/embed/eryxAcsTcOA?rel=0
    This is too funny. YOU WILL LOVE THIS ONE... NOT WHAT YOU THINK...
    Samsung washing machine commercial 


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sun Jun 12, 2016 2:48 pm

    The Cowboy and Saint Peter
    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.


    "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.” I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"


    St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"


    "Couple of minutes ago."


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sun Jun 12, 2016 2:52 pm

    A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"


    The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."


    Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.


    Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."


    The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."


    Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.


    Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"


    Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Jun 20, 2016 10:24 am


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHpYBwzlfTc
    Emu Tango (Emu vs. Weasel Ball)


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Jun 27, 2016 11:06 am

    "I've got 2 dogs.  I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. 


    A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. 


    On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again,  although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. 


    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. 


    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. 


    Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.  I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me. 
        
    I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. 


    Stupid b1tch...why else would I buy dog food??"


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  mudra on Tue Jul 05, 2016 4:12 pm



    Love Always
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri Jul 15, 2016 1:06 pm

     
    GREAT COCKPIT  COMMUNICATIONS 
     
    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
    ________________________________
    Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
    TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
    ________________________________ 
    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm Xxxxxxxx bored!"
    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself  immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f ucking bored, not f ucking stupid!"
    ________________________________
    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
    United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this… I've got the little Fokker in sight."
    ________________________________
    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.  While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
    Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
    ________________________________
    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
    San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.
    ________________________________
    There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
    Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
    ________________________________
    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
    "Because you lost the f ucking war!"
    ________________________________
    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,  rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
    Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,  "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
    "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
    ________________________________
    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.  They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
    So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
    Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
    ________________________________
    While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
    An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew,  screaming: " U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference  between C and D, but get it right!!"
    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly  silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771.  Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
    Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

            Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,  asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri Jul 15, 2016 1:07 pm

    ==============================================================================
    A little Stress Relief to help your day!
                              

     

















    10 

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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri Jul 15, 2016 2:03 pm

     
     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Hugs to you. Remember, a hug is the one present that's always worth giving!!!!!!!
     
    Teach this triple truth to all:
    A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion
    are the things which renew humanity.
    ~The Buddha


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    Pris

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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Pris on Fri Jul 15, 2016 9:23 pm

    .
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    Love it! Hugs
    .
    .
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Pris on Fri Jul 15, 2016 9:26 pm

    .
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Pris on Wed Aug 17, 2016 4:05 am

    .
    .

    A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,
    "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the
    chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

    A voice from the back of the room called out,
    "You need more ammo!”

    .
    .
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    Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Thu Aug 18, 2016 5:39 pm

    My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. 


    As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' 


    On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 


    'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' 


    She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.' 


    To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 
    'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bit*h!'


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Pris on Fri Aug 19, 2016 5:58 am

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    Good one! Insanely Happy  
    .
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

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