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    Humor - continued 2nd thread

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    Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Jan 30, 2016 11:39 am



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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Wed Feb 03, 2016 10:15 am


    Making others laugh is fun, but cracking yourself up with kooky sounds is priceless.

    Once this baby figured out how to make “raspberries” with her lips, it was continuous laughter ever after on this family’s road trip.

    With nine-month-old Savannah in the back seat, who needs a radio for entertainment?



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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Feb 22, 2016 5:39 pm

    REMEMBER

    Hollywood Squares:

    These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

    Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

    A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

    (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


    Q. Do female frogs croak?

    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


    Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


    Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

    A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


    Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

    A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.


    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


    Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

    A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


    Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


    Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

    A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


    Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

    A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


    Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


    Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


    Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


    Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


    Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


    Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

    A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


    Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


    Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


    WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
    WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING



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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Tue Feb 23, 2016 11:46 am

    "Circumcised"

    (this is priceless!)


    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

    She went back to find out what was going on.

    He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

    The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

    He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

    Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

    She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.

    "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.


    "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.


    _________________
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    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Feb 27, 2016 12:59 pm

    The following questions were set in last year’s examination  
    These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and  they WILL breed.


    Q. Name the four seasons
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

    Q. Explain one of the  processes by which water can be made safe to drink
    A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and  canoeists

    Q. How is dew formed
    A. The sun shines down  on the leaves and makes them perspire

    Q. What  causes the tides in the oceans
    A.  The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon,  because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the  fight.

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
    A. If  you are buying a house they will insist that you are  well endowed

    Q. In a democratic society,  how important are elections
    A. Very  important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an  election

    Q. What are steroids
    A. Things for  keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

    Q.. What  happens to your body as you age
    A.  When you get old, so do your bowels and you get  intercontinental

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
    A. He says  goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his  adultery (So  true)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
    A.  Premature death

    Q. What is artificial insemination
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the  cow

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
    A. Keep it in the  cow     (Simple, but brilliant)

    Q. How are the main 20 parts  of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
    A. The body is consisted  into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the  abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,  the borax contains the heart and lungs and the  abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E,  I,O,U..  (wtf!)                                                  

    Q. What is  the fibula?
    A. A small lie

    Q. What  does 'varicose' mean?                  
    A. Nearby       (Asian  answer!)

    Q. What is the most common form of birth  control
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a  condominium   (That would  work)

    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman  Emperor.   (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

    Q. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the  airport.  (Irrefutable)

    Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
    : A. after ya beneight


    Last edited by Carol on Sun Mar 13, 2016 10:19 am; edited 1 time in total


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Mar 07, 2016 11:40 am

    Bob was in trouble.
    He forgot his wedding anniversary.
    His wife was really angry.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
    in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
    AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”

    The next morning he got up early and left for work.

    When his wife woke up, she looked out the window
    and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the
    middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her
    robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back
    in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.


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    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sun Mar 13, 2016 10:19 am

    Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

    In case you need a laugh:

    Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

    The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one for last..................

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

    S: Took hammer away from midget.


    _________________
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    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri Mar 25, 2016 8:39 am


    Math
    -------------------------

    ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

    Smart man + smart woman = romance

    Smart man + dumb woman = affair

    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

    ~~~~~~~~

    OFFICE ARITHMETIC

    Smart boss + smart employee = profit

    Smart boss + dumb employee = production

    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

    ~~~~~~~~

    SHOPPING MATH

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    ~~~~~~~~

    GENERAL EQUATIONS

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    ~~~~~~~~

    HAPPINESS

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

    ~~~~~~~~

    LONGEVITY STATISTICS

    Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

    ~~~~~~~~

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

    ~~~~~~~~

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. (party)

    ~~~~~~~~

    My wallet was stolen about a week ago and my wife just noticed because on of the cards was refused, so I called and had replacement cards ordered.

    She asked why I didn't do it sooner and I told her whoever stole my wallet was spending less than she was. . .


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    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sun Apr 03, 2016 11:34 am

    Hello is this the RCMP ? "Yes what do u want ?

    I am calling to report that my neighbor, Joe Two Weasels is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.

    OK Thank you very much for your call.

    The next day the RCMP officer's descended on. Joe's house, They searched the shed where the firewood is kept, Using axes they busted open every wood they found.

    But found no marijuana.
    They swore at Joe an left.

    The phone rang at Joe's house,

    Hey Joe did the RCMP come? " YA "

    Did the chop your firewood ? "YEP "

    Happy Birthday cousin.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Pris

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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Pris on Sun Apr 03, 2016 5:15 pm

    Carol wrote:Hello is this the RCMP ? "Yes what do u want ?

    I am calling to report that my neighbor, Joe Two Weasels is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.

    OK Thank you very much for your call.

    The next day the RCMP officer's descended on. Joe's house, They searched the shed where the firewood is kept, Using axes they busted open every wood they found.

    But found no marijuana.
    They swore at Joe an left.

    The phone rang at Joe's house,

    Hey Joe did the RCMP come? " YA "

    Did the chop your firewood ? "YEP "

    Happy Birthday cousin.

    For a Canadian joke, that's pretty good. Insanely Happy
    .
    .
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    Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Apr 04, 2016 1:57 pm

    Jack asked Mike to do him a favor. "I am sleeping with the minister’s wife. Can you keep him at the church for an hour or so after this Sunday’s service?"

    Mike did not like it, but agreed. After church, he talked to the minister, asking all sorts of questions to keep him occupied.

    The minister grew annoyed and asked, "Mike, what are you really up to?"

    Mike felt guilty and reluctantly confessed, "My buddy asked me to keep you occupied because he is sleeping with your wife."

    The minister put a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and replied,
    "You may want to hurry home, Mike. My wife died a year ago!"


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    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Thu Apr 07, 2016 8:12 pm

    LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT PARIS ISLAND MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

    Dear Ma and Pa:

    I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
    the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
    Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

    I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly
    6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

    Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
    ​ ​
    cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to
    mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
    ​ ​
    Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

    Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
    bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
    fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer
    you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their
    food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

    It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on
    "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks
    to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
    A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the
    city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

    The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board.
    Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

    This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.
    I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move,
    and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there
    all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

    Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with
    them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like
    fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that
    Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time
    as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

    Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
    fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

    Your loving daughter,
    Gail.


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri Apr 08, 2016 7:08 pm

    CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS


    They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:


    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
    --------------------------
    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    --------------------------
    The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
    --------------------------
    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
    --------------------------
    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
    --------------------------
    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
    --------------------------
    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    --------------------------
    Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    --------------------------
    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    --------------------------
    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
    --------------------------
    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    --------------------------
    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    --------------------------
    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered...
    --------------------------
    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
    --------------------------
    Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
    --------------------------
    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
    --------------------------
    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    --------------------------
    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
    --------------------------
    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
    --------------------------
    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM... The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    --------------------------
    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    --------------------------
    And this one just about sums them all up
    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:


    'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sun Apr 10, 2016 11:51 pm

    HOLY DAY SET BY FLORIDA COURT
     
    This is great!!  I know God is giggling!
     
    A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!   
    Gotta love this Judge!  
          
    A proper decision by the courts.....for a change.  
     
    A  FLORIDA COURT SETS
    ATHEIST   HOLY   DAY
      
    In  Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.  The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. 
     
    The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,
     
    "Case dismissed!"
    The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying,
    "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? 
    The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.
    The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah,
    yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."  
    The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."  
          
    The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."  


    The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day.
     
    Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' 
     
    Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.


     Court is adjourned!"
     
    You gotta love a Judge who knows his Scripture!


    _________________
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    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    B.B.Baghor

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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  B.B.Baghor on Mon Apr 11, 2016 3:11 am

    Thank you, Carol, I love that story! Lmfao

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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Swanny on Mon Apr 11, 2016 5:17 am

    I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again.
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon Apr 11, 2016 11:50 pm

    The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share!
      
     Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist to understand physics!
      
     Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound Dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space Shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the Frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of The windshields.
      
     British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and A gun was sent to the British engineers.
      
     WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE BRITISH ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL  CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.
      
     THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.
      
     NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO–
     
     "DEFROST THE CHICKEN."
     (TRUE STORY)


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  B.B.Baghor on Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:56 am

    GREAT!

    cheers Lmao cheers
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Wed Apr 13, 2016 2:37 pm

    #1
    I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
     
    She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"    
     
    And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!
     
     
    #2
    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
     
    "98," she replied: "Two years older than me"   
     
    "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
     
    She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
     
    #3
    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.  I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
     
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.  But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
     
    #4
    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
     
    Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
     
    #5
    These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Thu Apr 14, 2016 4:47 pm

    50 years has a way of changing one’s perspective ……
    1966: Long hair 
    2016: Longing for hair
     
    1966: KEG 
    2016: EKG
     
    1966: Acid rock
    2016: Acid reflux
     
    1966: Moving to California because it’s cool
    2016: Moving to Arizona because it’s warm
     
    1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
    2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
     
    1966: Seeds and stems
    2016: Roughage
     
    1966: Hoping for a BMW
    2016: Hoping for a BM
     
    1966: Going to a new, hip joint
    2016: Receiving a new hip joint
     
    1966: Rolling Stones
    2016: Kidney Stones
     
    1966: Screw the system
    2016: Upgrade the system
     
    1966: Disco
    2016: Costco
     
    1966: Passing a drivers test
    2016: Passing a hearing test
     
    1966: Whatever
    2016: Depends
     


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Wed Apr 20, 2016 10:45 am



    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat Apr 23, 2016 12:35 pm

    Sweet Story


    INFORMATION PLEASE!


    When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box.  I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.


    Then I discovered that some where inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know. “Information Please” could supply anyone’s number and the correct time.


    My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.


    “Information, please,” I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.


    A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.


    “Information.”


    “I hurt my finger…” I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.


    “Isn’t your mother home?” came the question.


    “Nobody’s home but me,” I blubbered.


    “Are you bleeding?” the voice asked.


    “No, “I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”


    “Can you open the icebox?” she asked.


    I said I could.


    “Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice.


    After that, I called “Information Please” for everything. 


    I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. 


    She helped me with my math.


    She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.


    Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called “Information Please,” and told her the sad story. She listened and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of  feathers on the bottom of a cage?”


    She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, “Wayne, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.” 


    Somehow I felt better.


    Another day I was on the telephone, “Information Please.”


    “Information,” said in the now familiar voice.


    “How do I spell fix?” I asked.


    All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. 


    When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much.


    “Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home and I some how never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.


    Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.


    A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without  thinking what I was doing, I dialed my home town operator and said, “Information Please.


    Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.


    “Information.”


    I hadn’t planned this, but I heard myself saying, “Could you please tell me how to spell fix?”


    There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now.”


    I laughed, “So it’s really you,” I said. “I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?”


    “I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.”


    I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.  


    “Please do,” she said. “Just ask for Sally.”


    Three months later I was back in Seattle. 


    A different voice answered, “Information.”


    I asked for Sally.


    “Are you a friend?” she said.


    “Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.


    “I’m sorry to have to tell you this,” She said. “Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.”


    Before I could hang up, she said, “Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?”


    “Yes.” I answered.


    “Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you.”


    The note said, “Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He’ll know what I mean.”


    I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.


    Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?


    Lifting you on eagle’s wings.
    May you find the joy and peace you long for.
    Life is a journey… NOT a guided tour.


    In God We Trust


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  B.B.Baghor on Sat Apr 23, 2016 4:59 pm

    Oh my, Carol, that story is sooooo... beautiful, thank you Hugs
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Wed Apr 27, 2016 12:07 pm

    Sometimes interesting, sometimes amusing sometimes unbelievable.
     
    AN AMERICAN VISITED THE UK AND THIS IS HIS DESCRIPTION OF BRITISH LIFE

    If you're from Britain it's quite easy to often forget how great this place is. 

    If you're not from Britain, however, we probably seem like quite an odd bunch at times. 
     
    The following Facebook post, written by 66-year-old American Scott Waters, pretty much fits both of the above.
    Penned following a visit to the UK this summer (most of which appears to have been in Cornwall, England), Waters wrote up the various cultural differences and posted them to the world of social media.
     
    The post promptly went viral and has been shared almost 50,000 times. 
    Here's what he had to say about us:

    I was in England again a few weeks ago, mostly in small towns, but here's some of what I learned:

    * Almost everyone is very polite.

    * There are no guns.

    * There are too many narrow stairs.

    * The pubs close too early.

    * The reason they drive on the left is because all their cars are built backwards.

    * Pubs are not bars, they are community living rooms.

    * You'd better like peas, potatoes and sausage.

    * Refrigerators and washing machines are very small.

    * Everything is generally older, smaller and shorter.

    * People don't seem to be afraid of their neighbors or the government.

    * Their paper money makes sense, the coins don't.

    * Everyone has a washing machine but driers are rare.

    * Hot and cold water faucets. Remember them?

    * Pants are called "trousers", underwear are "pants" and sweaters are "jumpers".

    * The bathroom light is a string hanging from the ceiling.

    * "Fanny" is a naughty word, as is "shag".

    * All the signs are well designed with beautiful typography and written in full sentences with proper grammar.

    * There's no dress code.

    * Doors close by themselves, but they don't always open.

    * They eat with their forks upside down.

    * The English are as crazy about their gardens as Americans are about cars.

    * They don't seem to use facecloths or napkins or maybe they're just neater than we are.

    * The wall outlets all have switches, some don't do anything.

    * There are hardly any cops or police cars.

    * 5,000 year ago, someone arranged a lot of rocks all over, but no one is sure why.

    * When you do see police they seem to be in male & female pairs and often smiling.

    * Black people are just people: they didn't quite do slavery here.

    * Everything comes with chips, which are French fries. You put vinegar on them.

    * Cookies are "biscuits" and potato chips are "crisps".

    * HP sauce is better then catsup.

    * Obama is considered a hero, Bush is considered an idiot.

    * After fish and chips, curry is the most popular food.

    * The water controls in showers need detailed instructions.

    * They can boil anything.

    * Folks don't always lock their bikes.

    * It's not unusual to see people dressed differently and speaking different languages.

    * Your electronic devices will work fine with just a plug adapter.

    * Nearly everyone is better educated than we are.

    * If someone buys you a drink you must do the same.

    * Look right, walk left. Again; look right, walk left. You're welcome.

    * Avoid British wine and French beer.

    * It's not that hard to eat with the fork in your left hand with a little practice. If you don't, everyone knows you're an American.

    * Many of the roads are the size of our sidewalks.

    * There's no AC.

    * Instead of turning the heat up, you put on a jumper.

    * Gas is "petrol", it costs about $6 a gallon and is sold by the liter.

    * If you speed on a motorway, you get a ticket. Period. Always.

    * You don't have to tip, really!

    * There are no guns.

    Scotland, Wales, Ireland and Cornwall really are different countries.

    * Only 14% of Americans have a passport, everyone in the UK does.

    * You pay the price marked on products because the taxes (VAT) are built in.

    * Walking is the national pastime.

    * Their TV looks and sounds much better than ours.

    * They took the street signs down during WWII, but haven't put them all back up yet.

    * Everyone enjoys a good joke.

    * Dogs are very well behaved and welcome everywhere.

    * There are no window screens.

    * You can get on a bus and end up in Paris.

    * Everyone knows more about our history than we do.

    * Radio is still a big deal. The BBC is quite good.

    * The newspapers can be awful.

    * Everything costs the same but our money is worth less so you have to add 50% to the price to figure what you're paying.

    * Beer comes in large, completely filled, actual pint glasses and the closer the brewery the better the beer.

    * Butter and eggs aren't refrigerated.

    * The beer isn't warm, each style is served at the proper temperature.

    * Cider (alcoholic) is quite good.

    * Excess cider consumption can be very painful.

    * The universal greeting is "Cheers" (pronounced "cheeahz" unless you are from Cornwall, then it's "chairz")

    * The money is easy to understand: 1-2-5-10-20-50 pence, then-£1-£2-£5-£10, etc bills. There are no quarters.

    * Their cash makes ours look like Monopoly money.

    * Cars don't have bumper stickers.

    * Many doorknobs, buildings and tools are older than America.

    * By law, there are no crappy, old cars.

    * When the sign says something was built in 456, they didn't lose the "1".

    * Cake is pudding, ice cream is pudding, anything served for dessert is pudding, even pudding.

    * Everything closes by 1800 (6pm)

    * Very few people smoke, those who do often roll their own.

    * You're defined by your accent.

    * No one in Cornwall knows what the hell a Cornish Game Hen is.

    * Soccer is a religion, religion is a sport.

    * Europeans dress better than the British, we dress worse.

    * The trains work: a three minute delay is regrettable.

    * Drinks don't come with ice.

    * There are far fewer fat English people.

    * There are a lot of healthy old folks around participating in life instead of hiding at home watching tv.

    * If you're over 60, you get free TV and bus and rail passes.

    * They don't use Bose anything anywhere

    * Displaying your political or religious affiliation is considered very bad taste

    * Every pub has a pet drunk

    * Their healthcare works, but they still bitch about it

    * Cake is one of the major food groups

    * Their coffee is mediocre but their tea is wonderful

    * There are still no guns

    *They have towel warmers!


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Tue May 03, 2016 11:55 am

    A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
     
    In the classroom the next day, Joe told his story first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."
     
    "Very good," said the teacher.
     
    Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."
     
    "Excellent!" said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
     
    Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen ... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."
     
    "Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
     
    "Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.
     
    She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
     
     
    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
     
    "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drunk." 


    _________________
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    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol

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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

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