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    Humor - continued 2nd thread

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    Carol
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    Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri May 01, 2015 12:42 am

    Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

    “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

    Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

    She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the gals.

    I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

    I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

    She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

    I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

    She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
    This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

    "Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

    The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

    Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun.



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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon May 04, 2015 6:36 pm

    Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco.  

    Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.  

    Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe.    When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.  How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?  

    Clearly  --  this was a job for Mensa minds.

    The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw  and an empty saucer.

    They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

    " Ma'am," they said, " we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker."
    But before they could finish .........  The waitress interrupted.  

    " Oh  --  sorry about that."  

    She leaned over the table , unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

    There was dead silence at the Mensa table.  

    Reminds me of the government , solutions would be so simple , but the brilliant minds have to make the situation difficult ....


    Last edited by Carol on Mon May 04, 2015 6:39 pm; edited 1 time in total


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon May 04, 2015 6:39 pm



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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon May 04, 2015 9:28 pm

    Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
    After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

    The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

    The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."

    The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Thu May 07, 2015 12:44 pm



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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri May 08, 2015 4:14 pm

    DA - THIS IS FOR YOU:::: There was a young widowed rancher lady who was needing a new ranch hand. She was having trouble with the hands going off to town on the weekends, getting liquored up and running off with some woman. So she interviewed several men and one of them seemed to catch her attention more than the others. She called him in for an interview. She hired him, and he was an excellent employee. He worked hard, was conscientious, caring, a good steward of the land, etc. He had worked for her for a month without going to town and he went to her to ask if he could take Saturday off and spend the day in town. She was a bit concerned about him not coming back after that.....but he had worked so hard that she decided it would be ok. He went off to town Saturday morning and she went on about her daily work - laundry and household chores. Saturday night arrived and it was past midnight.....she had not seen him come back to the ranch. She also realized she would really miss him if he didn't return as she had grown quite fond of him and his work ethic. She sat on the porch in her rocking chair waiting for him to return. Finally she sees his truck lights and he gets out of the truck and she watches him in the moonlight as he heads to the bunkhouse. She called out to him - asked him to come over to her porch and talk to her for a bit. He goes over to her - she looks into his eyes.....and asks him to take off her blouse. He gulps hard as he unbuttons her blouse. Then she asks him to take off her skirt, so with quivering fingers he reaches around to unzip her skirt. Then she asks him to remove her bra, then her panties. Then she tells him IF YOU EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES TO TOWN AGAIN YOU ARE FIRED!!!!


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat May 09, 2015 12:29 pm

    HUMOR from G Edward Griffin More church announcements

    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat May 09, 2015 3:06 pm

    It takes 7 seconds for food to pass
    from mouth to stomach. A human
    hair can hold 3kg. The length of a
    penis is three times the length of
    the thumb. The femur is as hard as
    concrete. A woman's heart beats
    faster than a man's. Women
    blink 2 times as much amen.
    We use 300 muscles just to
    keep our balance when we stand.
    A woman has read this entire text.
    A man is till looking at his thumb.
    Insanely Happy


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Brook on Thu May 14, 2015 11:32 am

    Russian Navy Seals

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    Carol
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Thu May 14, 2015 1:01 pm


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ssXJtzFOjA&index=290&list=WL
    ANIMAL CRACKERS (The Best of BBC One's Walk On The Wild Side)


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  B.B.Baghor on Thu May 14, 2015 1:21 pm

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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri May 15, 2015 6:46 pm

    Proven, reliable home remedies:

    1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

    2. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

    3. For high blood pressure sufferers , simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

    4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

    6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

    7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

    8. NEVER TAKE A LAXATIVE AND A SLEEPING PILL AT THE SAME TIME


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri May 15, 2015 6:47 pm

    Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small caliber Beretta pistol
    A Beretta Jetfire testimonial... This is a remarkable story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

    Here is the story in her own words:

    While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of 'The Villages' with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

    If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

    Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took...The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

    It's one of the best pistols in my collection! And the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri May 15, 2015 7:50 pm


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpUn9tzwj2E
    Shitake mushrooms - The Catherine Tate Show - BBC comedy


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Wed May 20, 2015 10:05 am

    a dogs life-
    As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees R100 and a note in his mouth, reading: "R100 lamb chops, please."
    Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

    He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
    The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

    When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

    The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

    After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

    The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.
    No answer.

    He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again & again.
    No answer.

    So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

    The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

    The owner responds, "Genius, my butt. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Wed May 20, 2015 3:28 pm

    A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

    Naturally, the insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

    The lawyer sued and won!! (Stay with me.)

    Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that they were insured…against fire, without defining what is considered to be an unacceptable 'fire'. On this basis the insurance company was obligated to pay the claim.

    Rather than enduring through a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

    NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

    After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of, intentionally, burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail plus a $24,000 fine.

    This true story won First Place in that year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

    ONLY IN AMERICA you say...?!?


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Wed May 20, 2015 3:40 pm

    Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

    It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. parish.

    He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

    He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

    He promptly called the White House.

    The conversation went like this:
    "Good morning. This is Barrack Obama. Â How might I help you?"

    "And the best of the day te yerself.
    This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Barrack, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

    There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .

    Father O'Malley then replied:
    "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Fri May 22, 2015 4:20 pm



    _________________
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sat May 23, 2015 4:19 pm

    There have only been fully ten occasions when use of
    the "F" word has been considered understandably acceptable...


    "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
    -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

    "What the @#$% was that?"
    -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

    "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
    -- Custer, 1877

    "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
    -- Einstein, 1938

    "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
    -- Picasso, 1926

    "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
    -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

    "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?”
    -- Michelangelo, 1566

    "Where the @#$% are we?"
    -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

    "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
    -- Noah, 4314 BC

    "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
    -- Bill Clinton, 1998


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Mon May 25, 2015 8:40 am

    In elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

    "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

    "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

    "No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

    A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

    "Oh it was terrible, just terrible, doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor.

    "Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept everything off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

    "What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"

    "Oh, no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Tue May 26, 2015 11:33 am

    A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

    The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.'

    The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

    'Why thank you very much!' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

    On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

    The farmer said, 'Holy Smoke lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?!'

    The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!'


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  mudra on Tue May 26, 2015 3:41 pm


    Love Always
    mudra
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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Thu May 28, 2015 9:45 am

    The British Penny - European Union Directive No. 456179

    In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31 December 2015.

    From this date onwards, the correct term will be: “Euronating”.

    It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.

    If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.
    Insanely Happy


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Thu May 28, 2015 12:58 pm

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.

    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription".


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    Re: Humor - continued 2nd thread

    Post  Carol on Sun May 31, 2015 9:43 pm


    cowboys herding cats


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